...get up and do your thing

it's the weekend...dance and sing

get up and do your thing

dance like no one is watching...smile because you know they will...

trippin'

some of my favorite friends are heading off on a road trip. after feeling a twinge of jealousy for the fun they are about to have, i got to thinking about road trips as a great allegory for life.

you may start with a map and a plan and all may go along accordingly…but we make choices when we make plans. when we chose one thing, we reject other things. we cannot experience every opportunity or know all possibilities. you never know where the other roads may have lead you…life is risky like that. you have to make choices and take what arrives.

sometimes there are surprises… unplanned incidents that delay our progress. and so we cope. we handle what comes our way with the best of our abilities in that moment. next time such an emergency arises, we are better prepared and less afraid. stronger and more assured.

sometimes the road is dark, rough and we feel lost. but still we go on…we use the tools we have to forge ahead, always trusting that we will find our way out or someone to help us get back on track.

when we are back in the sunshine and the sky is bright, remember to pay attention. feel the warmth of rays in our hair, smell the air and remember how colorful and exciting seeing new places and meeting new people can be.

too often we take the easy times for granted. the free-wheeling fun is the best part. we often work so hard at getting through hard times, we forget we can apply the same sort of industrious focus to enjoying the good. when we pay attention to those quiet moments, they speak volumes that we can carry with us forever.

***photo credit: wild strawberries, ingmar bergman

life lesson

life is unfair

some of us win in ways of luck and others in ways of strategy, but rare is the soul that wins at everything. life is unfair. sometimes that idea can be a comfort, more often an outrage.

on a personal level, being fair is often a challenging virtue. sometimes we want more than our fair share, sometimes we give more than we get...how we suffer in the name of equity!

when i was little, my mother, exhausted by sibling squabbles, made somethings fair with this simple rule: one cuts, the other chooses.

in other words, you have a piece of cake that you must share. one takes the knife to cut it in half, the other chooses from the halves. the idea is that the most fair cut comes when the other gets first dibs on your slicing skills.

i like to use this rule in many aspects of relationships. if there is a choice to be made, let one person come up with options and the other make the final decision. go with it. if there is work to share, divvy it up and let the other choose their lot. things tend to be more equally distributed when the chance to get stuck with the less desirable lot is real.

cutting and choosing...it's a fair as fair can be...

the one thing

as many of my friends know, i tend to obsess over one thing at a time. i am prone to cooking one day and eating it all week or getting on a kick and eating the same thing every day. i tend to have one favorite hang out and then move to the next place i repeat; i often wear the same outfit until a new one takes it place and then...repeat... i have also been known to love just one song at a time...in fact, back in the day i made a 90-minute cassette tape of the same song over and over so i wouldn't have to rewind my walkman and could listen to my latest favorite one song on repeat without complication or interruption. yeah, i am that old...waaay pre-ipod...

i realised when i was recently in my hometown with my family that some of those "one things" have been with me for more years than i care to admit. this is one of those "one things":

from their last album, warehouse: songs and stories and, if memory serves, their last song at their last live performance (that i, so very fortunately attended)... hüsker dü "you can live at home now". i have been listening to this song since high school. when i am frustrated, angry or upset, it calms me and smooths my ruffled feathers.

sometimes one thing is all you need.

hemåt

“happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”

                                           -george burns



...and i am off to visit mine...

the importance of being...

to love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

                                                  -oscar wilde, an ideal husband



speaking of love this week…

finding love is another common theme in my line of work. is there a definitive answer to how one goes about finding and attracting love? i believe there is. when my clients are distressed about the state of their love life i try to remind them that loving yourself is the beginning of attracting the kind of love you truly desire. sometimes this whizzes right past them. often we are so consumed with the desire to be with someone we forget what qualities we want in that someone. not just any love will do…

you can find love anywhere, at any time. really. being open and receptive to love is a state of mind, not a state of place.

many times my clients are frustrated and angry that they have not found “the one”. having witnessed many of my friends at that panicky moment that often occurs in our thirties, i gently introduce a few reminders about love.

is there really just ONE, singular love of our lives? for some of us, maybe…for most of us, that one person is many. different times of our life have different needs and desires. is there really just one person to fulfill those changing demands?

and more importantly, i suggest to my clients and friends, is marriage the penultimate expression of love? for me, i know that the people that have touched me most deeply were not meant to be life partners. rather, they were people that meant a great deal at a pivotal time in my life, then…well, things changed. but does that dilute their love?

we attract people that reflect where we are in our own lives. if we are not meeting THE ONE, maybe we are not ready for that kind of relationship. and that is okay. it is just where we are now. take a break from the hunt and learn to be happy with what we have within ourselves. if that is not enough, searching for what makes us happy will attract the kinds of relationships that support that dream. another person cannot deliver your happiness; they cannot complete your life. they can help to augment it, detract from it, even derail it but happiness is internal. it is ours to discover and to own.

i know it sounds trite and cliché, but if we don’t truly love ourselves, how can we expect someone else to do the same?

*photo credit: atame, pedro almodovar

piano concerto no. 21

there are women who inspire you with the desire to conquer

them and to take your pleasure of them;

but this one fills you only with the desire to die slowly

beneath her gaze

-charles beaudelaire

it seems everyone i know is suddenly in love. so for my weekend thought i am sharing one of my all-time favorite movies: elvira madigan. it is a beautiful, although tragic, love story. if you haven't already seen it, put it on your list...puss och kram!

*photos courtesy of bo widerberg, elvira madigan, 1967

the year of the ant

i went to my final holiday party on monday. i never imagined i would be glad to see the bottom of a champagne bottle, but I was…

predictable new year’s conversation focused on resolutions. even more predictable were the reports of “lose weight”, “live healthier” and graciously “give more to others”. i did not offer up my resolutions because for once, i haven’t made any.

this year i spent some time on new year’s day (recovering, yes…) reflecting on the events of 2011 and trying to map out a game plan for 2012. 

i have never been goal oriented. always more the impulsive grasshopper than the industrious ant. never in my life did i have a long-term strategy.

sure, i have made some plans, completed rites of passage and i guess i had some sort of vision of what i wanted my life to look like. true, that vision mostly included Marni dresses and wandering through sunny flower and cheese markets in Provence, but still…i could close my eyes and see what i wanted things to look like; i just didn’t have a road map to that destination.

this year i want a path. goals are important. they give shape to our lives, meaning, direction and purpose. you can’t go backwards and rewrite the past but going forwards without direction is really just spinning your wheels. i have often joked that i am where i am because of inertia but it isn’t really much of a joke when it is true.

this year i am avoiding resolutions in favor of aspirations and plans. halting the momentum that has propelled me to where i am now and choosing where i am going is the framework for my 2012 plan. the swede lowdown version 2.0, if you will.

stay tuned…

*photo via this farming man

cheers, babe

happy new year!

i am going to celebrate tonight...this is one of my favorite nights of the year. it feeds my need for renewal and revision, and of course, reinvention.

 i am always a little superstitious on new year's eve; i can't help but feel how the year begins sets a tone or gives a glimpse into what the year will hold and so i aim for a night filled with laughter and love. fancy dress, decadent food and expensive champagne consumed while surrounded by gorgeous men...that's the plan for this year anyway.

 i will return with more substantial thoughts but right now i am thinking only of debauchery.

best wishes for 2012!

photo via BBC

clock of the heart

life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards

- søren kierkegaard

gifs from robyngifs.com

top ten

another christmas come and gone. this year i had such a lovely holiday.

sixteen empty wine bottles sit in my kitchen waiting for the recycling bin, serving as a reminder (and a caution) of our indulgence. so much good food, even better friends and cheeks sore from laughing.

my house guest has returned home and now there is just this ill-defined and slow moving time that hangs in the air before the new year begins…

one of my corny holiday pleasures is christmas music- back and forth between the classical music station’s organ heavy broadcast or the modern versions- i love it all and it is all i listen to in december. at some point during our late night dinner, one guest had his fill of "rockin' around the christmas tree" and snapped the station to a beatles a-to-z channel. this immediately prompted a discussion of beatles vs. stones, which quickly led to a would-you-rather and either-or game. you know… beatles or stones, would you rather: mick jagger or david bowie etc. i mean, we could play this all day…it is always a fun way to learn some surprising things about people you think you know. playing the game soon exposed my penchant for top ten lists. i have been making them since i was in middle school and even now i continue to update regularly. i love seeing what changes and how much remains the same

making lists of highlights, lowlights, movies, parties, fun, people, things to do- whatever. this is what everyone does to broadcast and summarize the closing of the year. normally my lists are “all-time” lists but i think  i am going to make some top ten of 2011 lists this week; of things and events but also of feelings and experiences. i will spend my new years day reflecting but also selecting what i want to keep with me and what i will leave behind in order to make room for the new as we enter 2012.

as don draper said, “my life moves in one direction- forward”

i will be thinking this week about what to pack for the trip…

*photos from: kids these days, miss ginger and toni frisell

peace on earth

Ha en riktigt fin julhelg allesammans – det ska vi ha!

my christmas wish via john lennon

happy christmas, god jul and peace on earth

so this is christmas/and what have you done/another year over/and a new one just begun/and so this is christmas/i hope you have fun/the near and the dear ones/the old and the young

a very merry christmas/and a happy new year/let's hope it's a good one/without any fear

and so this is christmas/for weak and for strong/for rich and the poor ones/the world is so wrong/and so happy christmas/for black and for white/for yellow and red ones/let's stop all the fight

a very merry christmas/and a happy new year/let's hope it's a good one/without any fear

war is over over/if you want it/war is over/now...

family of choice

to the outside world we all grow old.  but not to brothers and sisters.  we know each other as we always were.  we know each other's hearts.  we share private family jokes.  we remember family feuds and secrets, family griefs and joys. 

we live outside the touch of time. 

                                                                                                        -clara ortega 

this year my family is celebrating christmas in january. we are holding off the big family party until my sister arrives stateside with her children and we can all be together. this way, patient adults can wait and the kids, to whom christmas really matters, can get a double-dose of fun (read: presents!). while i am thrilled to see my sister again so soon, it is not without a little sadness that i will not be with my family-of-origin for the holiday. instead one of my oldest and closest friends is coming to stay with me and we will have a proper swedish julafton together. a family-of-choice holiday, if you will.

often our own families can pose challenges and ruffle feathers at this time of year. while it is true, no one knows you in quite the same way as your own flesh and blood, perhaps no one knows the best you better than your family of choice--your nearest and dearest friends. what could be better than spending the holidays with people that share that ease and comfort, that secret unspoken language you develop in your youth and are lucky enough to continue to share in the passing years. i am so looking forward to the comfort and warmth of living outside the touch of time in the coming week.

*photo courtesy of awesome people hanging out together

social grace

taming the snark

let's be honest. many of the parties we attend this season are obligatory. so we employ the strategic strike and travel in pairs or packs; hitting several parties ensemble in one night. smart move for scheduling and sharing the small-talk, right?

well the thing is, parties are not bars. you weren't invited to huddle in the corner with your besties sneering at the whole food's cheese plate on the buffet, ripping the playlist and making snarky comments about the party or the one you hit before it. you are a guest and an integral part of the festivities.

give a little when you are invited to someone's home for a party. sure, we all know the basics of good etiquette- the rsvp's, the hostess gift, please and thank you...but having good manners also means working the room and engaging with other guests. look around...who is standing next to you? do you sleep with that person? did you borrow a dress from her last week? if so, you are not mingling. split it up! find someone that hasn't seen you with a toothbrush in your mouth and introduce yourself. ask questions, be curious. complement the tree, the cookies, someone's shoes or hairstyle. smile warmly and wink at your mate or pal from across the room. don't worry...you'll have brunch tomorrow for the full fashion slaughter.

chitchat

as the season rolls on, here is something profound to ponder as we head into our next round of holiday mingling and merry-making. beyond good tidings and cheer, we never know what good might come of the kindness we bring to those we love and those we may soon grow to love...

“the majority of us lead quiet, unheralded lives as we pass through this world. there will most likely be no ticker-tape parades for us, no monuments created in our honor. but that does not lessen our possible impact, for there are scores of people waiting for someone just like us to come along; people who will appreciate our compassion, our unique talents. someone who will live a happier life merely because we took the time to share what we had to give. too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have a potential to turn a life around. it’s overwhelming to consider the continuous opportunities there are to make our love felt.”

                                                                                       -leo buscaglia

mixed bag

as i mentioned in my last post, i am one of those people that loves the holiday season. having said that, the holidays are not always the easiest time of year for everyone. for some, there is a special joy in the air and an eagerness to celebrate; still for others the decorations, songs and sounds and even the smells of christmas fill us with uneasy sense of dread, guilt and conflicted emotions. we were told we were supposed to enjoy and celebrate, yet our memories are void of that experience.

as much as i love the holidays, mine were not always filled with joy and good tidings. some years were sad and lonely, others made tense with family fights or missing members. sometimes while walking around my neighborhood enjoying the lights and bustle of activity, i am hit by a whiff of something that evokes a memory of someone or something i loved and lost. my lightness of heart suddenly crashed by grief, leaving me wounded and tender. these are strong feeling at this time of year.

it's not just about celebrating the holidays, it is also about the completion of a calendar year and reflecting back on this one and the others before this. maybe we worry about what we accomplished (or didn't), maybe we are missing a parent, family member or a friend we lost; maybe our own relationships or marriages are strained by the pressure of the holidays. it is a complicated time and often filled with intense memories and longings for what was or what we thought should be.

many of us are torn between what we want and what is expected. many of us are torn between families and their wants and demands. some of us have fantasies of our ideal holiday only to be let down by the reality of what they actually present.

remembering that these days are just a few in a many that make up our life allows some perspective. we can get through this. remembering what is worth cherishing and letting go of what hurts allows us to shape the holidays we want to have. allow yourself to feel, but not to dwell...take what you like and release what you don't. allow yourself to love...love yourself and others...that is really what this time of year is about. not creating perfection but celebrating what is good and what can be better.

nu är det jul igen

i love this time of year! i've just returned from gathering up all the stuff i need to host my cookie-baking party on saturday. i love mixing old family swedish traditions with my own new ones. that's my favorite part of the holidays - discovering different ways to celebrate the season while maintaining ties to my family and my past. i am so looking forward to being with friends and making a mess and enjoying some good stong glögg!

free to be you and me...

so i have just returned from two weeks in germany visiting my baby sister and her two very own babies - my four year old niece and ten month old nephew.

in full keeping in my role as indulgent auntie, i put my niece to bed every night with at least four stories and laid with her in her small wooden bed until her breathing was deep and slowed by sleep. most nights we closed our eyes in the dark and listened to quiet music after story time was over. one of her current favorites was also one of my own at her age, “free to be you and me”. i know, i know,  it is the seminal anthem of all gen x-ers; i didn’t say this wasn’t cliché…

but the first night i was resting with her and i heard those familiar first chords of the banjo strike, i was jolted by a powerful nostalgia. my eyes filled with tears and i worried i would cry and disturb her entrance into sleep. my own hopes and dreams inspired by that album as a child paled by the welling in my heart for my hopes and dreams for her. as she curled next to me, her small, thin four year old arms wrapped around my neck i said a silent prayer that she would always be so happy and confident in her own voice and choices, that she would always feel strong enough that when faced with wearing competing sparkly shoes, she would wear one of each and think it looks great. i hope she always has the confidence to make her own decisions, voice her own opinion and that she grows to be the kind of woman she wants to be.

i made the choice long ago not to be a parent and i am grateful for the role models i had that seemed content with their decision to be childless. it wasn’t always easy to find them. because i am quite obsessed with my nieces and now my nephew, i am sure many people thought (or do think) that i just missed the boat and maybe regret my choice. i don’t.

it was a different time, my childhood in the seventies, and i think maybe in terms of non-conformity and acceptance, a better time, but maybe i am just jaded in my old age. i remember primary-colored big wheels, working class families on tv, enjoli perfume adds (i can bring home the bacon dum dum dee dum and fry it up in a pan…) and pumpkin colored turtlenecks for me and my brother...i don’t remember feeling so aware of gender or race like today. maybe i owe some of my own ideas of equality and strength of character to the spirit of “free to be…”

and i'm out....

Would you please please please please please please please stop talking?”                    

  -ernest hemingway, men without women

...don't worry... i'll be back...

life lesson

 moving through...

two new clients started with me recently. both are going through very difficult breakups; a very typical therapy topic frankly. interestingly both are struggling with a lack of support from friends and family seemingly exhausted by their respective breakup drama. something many of us may have (silently, right?) experienced ourselves with friends that just can’t seem to “get over it and move on”. these are the complaints voiced repeatedly by my two new clients. they say their friends are now saying enough—move on!

but why? there is no victory lap, no blue ribbon won, no medal received for “getting over it” quickly. and what does that mean anyway? the truth is, none of us are “moving on”; we are all just moving through. every day.

so i say- no rush, no hurry. there is no set time frame for grief. move through. the grieving process is a tricky one. it travels in fits and spurts, with twists and turns. some days we progress, others we regress…still we move…sometimes we feel stuck, but that is just where we are In That Moment. we are still moving through our mourning process.

there is a saying in addiction recovery that sobriety isn’t always better but it is certainly different. i think that idea works with all changes in life. even though we rid ourselves of bad habit, a substance, relationship or job etc. and even though the motivation behind the change was a desire to improve our life in the larger sense, change itself doesn’t work like a magic wand casting rainbows and cupcakes in our wake.

working through loss, working through change is a process…the only guarantee we have is that our circumstances will be different than before. our only choice is to keep moving through life and experience it as it is, as it unfolds…

Ms.

“In a sick society, women who have difficulty fitting in are not ill but demonstrating a healthy and positive response.”                
                   
                  -charlotte perkins gilman

a family affair

i grew up in a big, rambunctious, extended family. often fun, often crowded, mostly loud, it was always intense. for all the laughs shared there were twice as many tears shed. like many other therapists, i come from a family of dysfunction and emotional complexity. as a result, i developed an escapist fondness for films and tv shows about loud, close-knit and corny families. bring on the schmaltz, the sentimental mush, all the better for me. even later in life, when i was in my late twenties and my little sister just finished college, she and i were living in the same city and formed a ritual “sister night” orchestrated around one of these super-family melodrama shows, we watched and gorged on pizza together. the unspoken understanding, carefully left silent to avoid tears, was our shared yearning to have a family that looked like the one we watched on our little twelve-inch set. although we grew up not really knowing each other, this was one of many small things we did that re-set our relationship and helped to make us close; as close now actually as the sisters we admired in fictional worlds.

this past week my niece’s high school soccer team played in her state’s championship tournament. my phone was a flurry of calls, texts, voicemails, photo messages and twitter feeds all week. everyone came together to support her and cheer for her team. i spoke to my brothers every day hearing them recreate her performance, parsing their anxiety and excitement. her older sister came home from university to cheer for her and kept me posted with live sms match commentary. my mom went to watch and joined in the texting frenzy to keep me in the loop. in short, we were all united- aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews and cousins- all because of my amazing niece. for a few days i lived in a hazy glow of fantasy family life—but it was real! i actually felt like my family resembled the kind i always dreamt of and it felt fabulous. simply, it was great to love and be loved and to be a member of something important- family.

i realised a truth about having kids. we all hope and try to do a little better job than our parents; we all want something a little better for our own kids. a friend of mine once used that premise to illustrate an aversion she had to parenthood, but this week i realised it is one of the most important reasons we have kids at all. in doing so, we improve and progress. in fact, that wish alone is what has allowed us to evolve and advance civilization itself. wanting to improve is a big aspiration; every small victory is a step forward.

my niece’s team lost in a double-overtime-penalty-kick-shoot-out. it was a real nail biter. they may not have won the championship but i can’t help but see it as a championship victory for my family.

masks we wear

if you do not tell the truth about yourself you cannot tell it about other people.

                                                                                        -virginia woolf

halloween got me thinking about masks we wear; how we disguise or muffle our true selves. sometimes it may be tempting or it may feel safer to be someone other than ourselves. sometimes it may even seem like it would be better to be someone else.

but how hard it is to be false! what a struggle to be someone other than who we really are. sometimes we pretend in order to protect ourselves, protect our feelings, guard our emotions or our hearts. so many wonderful things, like love and friendship can often be scary when we feel vulnerable, and up go our guards, our fronts, our masks in full display.

what a mistake! to live as another is a lie that complicates and distorts. the real risk is that you can never trust if someone really loves you or the mask you pretend is you. take a chance. let someone love the real you...that is the only love  you can trust.

the truth is, it is easier to just be ourselves. it is the role we play best. no one else can be you...only you are you and you create yourself as you go...

photo: pedro almodovar, atame

work-a-day wednesday

“...people don't respect the morning. an alarm clock violently wakes them up, shatters their sleep like the blow of an ax, and they immediately surrender themselves to deadly haste. can you tell me what kind of day can follow a beginning of such violence? what happens to people whose alarm clock daily gives them a small electric shock? each day they become more used to violence and less used to pleasure.”                                                                                                                

                                                                                                                                                     -milan kundera, farewell waltz

                                            

it's the middle of the work week and people are rushing to their offices with tight faces and grim expressions. overheard is the predictable quizzing of each other about weekend plans for fun. i wonder why we store it all up just to rush and blow off all our steam from friday night to sunday afternoon. how sad to spend five days just existing only to exhaust ourselves with diversions at the end of the week.

why aren't we savouring the moment? when the alarm jolts us from slumber, we automatically rise and begin the routine machinations of "getting ready". ready for what exactly is what i wonder. why not pause a moment, take notice of ourselves, our bodies, our breath and our surroundings. listen to the streets below and the birds above. feel the world waking and instead of moving, rest and be still. relish in the pleasure of another day to be lived and felt and experienced.

pause from your workday intertia today and veer a little off course. take a different route home, try a new place for lunch, walk outside and sit in the park. better yet, do something you enjoy tonight...pleasure is yours for the taking, fun is in the doing...

life is a gentle teacher

on friday i posted a cheerful wish for the weekend.

there was a little more meaning behind it than just put on your dancing shoes and have a good time (although, that is a worthy message for a friday in itself). saturday i started taking ballet classes. one of my girlfriends asked me to take a course with her and impulsively, i agreed.

i took ballet when i was small. like many little girls, i was in love with ballet and ballet dancers, all fluid and sharp at once, the control and precision of their graceful bodies mesmerized me completely. i took classes from a very strict russian woman with a heavy accent and a stern face. i dressed with serious ceremony before each class, treating my leotard, tights and shoes as sacred talisman more than a sweaty uniform. i loved going to class even if i did get anxious butterflies in my stomach while sitting in the car next to whichever parent had to shuttle me to the studio. i took classes for a couple of years and loved every minute of it. i registered vaguely as only a love-blind child can, that my teacher’s brow never relaxed its furrow when gazing upon me; my parents looked at me with pity and a little sadness but thought nothing of it.

suddenly, i stopped being taken to ballet and was driven instead to ice rinks. finally after months i asked why i was no longer attending ballet. my mom looked at me with great sadness and replied that i was such a good skater, wouldn’t i prefer to keep skating? of course! i loved to skate! what wasn’t relayed to me then, was that my teacher pointed out that i didn’t have the body of a dancer. my already stubby and thick legs, made stronger and thicker by skating from the moment i could walk, would never lean and allow me to move like a ballerina must move. later when i really understood what happened i was confused and ashamed. what was wrong with my legs? they were sturdy and strong! it was the first time i noticed i had a body and maybe it was flawed.

while this was certainly a source of sadness for me, i never stopped loving ballet. but I was terrified to try ballet ever again. i continued to skate and those thick legs of mine served me well. they served me even better by allowing me to become a nationally ranked shot-putter in high school, but the feeling of dread over my muscle-y legs never abated.

standing at the barre on saturday, all those feelings of dread and shame washed over me anew. but this time i was able to shrug them off. make no mistake, i was terrible in class. clumsy and unsure, my thick legs made certain positions nearly impossible. it was dreadful to see myself in the mirror. but life is about trying. life is about experimenting. and as an adult, i understand i don’t have to be good at everything. saturday ballet is going to be about doing something that doesn’t come to me easily or naturally. it is going to be about spending time with a friend. i will never be a ballet dancer, maybe never even move past laughable, but i am determined to break the rules of shame and live in a spirit of experimentation and discovery.

live and learn. that is how we grow…