cheers, babe

happy new year!

i am going to celebrate tonight...this is one of my favorite nights of the year. it feeds my need for renewal and revision, and of course, reinvention.

 i am always a little superstitious on new year's eve; i can't help but feel how the year begins sets a tone or gives a glimpse into what the year will hold and so i aim for a night filled with laughter and love. fancy dress, decadent food and expensive champagne consumed while surrounded by gorgeous men...that's the plan for this year anyway.

 i will return with more substantial thoughts but right now i am thinking only of debauchery.

best wishes for 2012!

photo via BBC

love your body

                                                                          gustave caillebotte, minneapolis institute of art

weight. food issues. ugh.

the two things i swore i wouldn’t write about on this blog. the hours spent- no- the hours wasted talking talking talking about weight, size, food, eating, diets blah…with my girlfriends! the last thing i wanted was to devote one more inch of space to the abyss of anxiety and loathing that this fat phobia promotes.

but it’s love your body day and i realized- i have something to say.

it is my JOB to help people. as both a therapist and as a health educator, i am trained and expert in fields of nutrition, exercise, self-esteem and body image. as such, i have tried to BE the example for my clients. endless pushups, squats, suicide sprints, kettle bell swings, rounds on the heavy bag, burpees, WEIGHTED PULLUPS…all in pursuit of some sort of madonna-esque chiseled sinew of a body. i never quite got there, but i was damn close…then i went back to grad school. twice actually. so in the past five years, i completed not just one, but two masters degree programs. and strangely, when i see people i haven’t seen in ages because of the time and attention demanded by the workload to complete my degrees, i feel a slow burn of shame. i wonder, what are they thinking? …holy shit…did she gain weight! wow she is fat!

all i can hear, see or think is FAT FAT FAT.

i put on about fifteen pounds in school. my hands tremor at even typing those words let alone saying them aloud. and the guilt and shame weigh me down so much more that it might as well be fifteen HUNDRED pounds.

but what the fuck for?

instead of being proud of myself for acquiring two additional graduate degrees, instead of cheering myself for a major life change, for following my ambitions, talents and dreams, and ACHIEVING THEM-- i berate myself for getting fat. but let’s be more honest, fat in this case is straddling a size 6 or (gasp!) sometimes an 8. seriously?

that is some fucked up and crazy shit. (my professional diagnosis no less)

i was recently talking about this with one of my girlfriends who struggles with the exact issue and we agreed: fuck this shit. what the hell is wrong with us for focusing on gaining some weight under massive strain and stress? when i was an undergrad i smoked furiously, sucking down fag after fag, chain smoking while writing papers. isn’t it better that this time around i kicked down some doritos while reading my case studies? i can breathe after all, and while my workouts may have mellowed, my vitals are all still in the healthiest of ranges.

so we made a pact. no more self-flagellating, no bemoaning or dwelling. done. when i feel bad trying to squeeze into my old size 4’s, i pull out my diplomas. yeah, shame abated.   from now on…congrats to all that we ACHIEVE…in fact, congrats to me for eating that whole damn pint of ice cream sans guilt. 

i have other more substantial shit to worry about…

This post is part of the 2011 Love Your Body Day Blog Carnival

be the woman you want to be

so direct. so simple. so true.

DvF...she's certainly the woman she wants to be. beautiful, bright, ambitious and strong - she is living proof of her credo.

be the woman you want to be...you can decide to be who or what you want to be whenever you like. this is your life to live. you can change who you want to be without apology or concession. no more waiting for tomorrow, no more postponing, procrastinating or hiding behind arbitrary markers or excuses.  fear not... just be...right here and right now...

believe it and be it.

photo credit: vogue.com

la reine

happy birthday to madonna -  our lady of reinvention

here come roly and poly

my mormor had strong opinions and severe tastes. one of her strongest and most severe was her distaste for the overweight or “fatties”, as she so often referred to anyone carrying more than five pounds of voluptuous curve. She did not censure her displeasure or contempt in any way or with any effort. on the contrary, she made comments like “i don’t know who is winning the contest for the fattest, mary or beth but they doing their damnedest to win” or my favorite, when looking out the window and seeing my two PREGNANT aunts walking up to her front door, she looked at me and said with dripping disgust, “well, nail down your cookies, here come roly and poly”.

she wasn’t playing around with fat people. even when a cancerous mass ravaged her body and sealed her fate, i knew her resentment was less about the football sized tumor that was destroying her body and ending her life, she was angrier that the tumor destroyed her waistline and ended her days of cinching her 24 inch waist. vanity thy name was mormor.

contrary to your expectations, she was a healthy and voracious eater of almost all foods. the richer, the dearer…she ate desserts at every meal and sometimes as a meal in themselves. at christmas the house was a cookie factory, reeking of butter, sugar and cardamom. cakes, pies, tortes, cookies…ice cream, whipped cream, custard…she devoured with relish. she loved the rarest of red meat, developed a great fondness for american fried chicken and biscuits in her later years. she ate almost anything and everything…i remember sharing deeply rubied plums, strawberries so red they stained fingertips and tongues, shaved fennel tossed with tomatoes from her garden…she taught me that everything tasted better fresh and grown close to home.

while she denied herself nothing, she was always lean as a whip. she attributed her tall, hourglass shape to her superior swedish genes and also to eating “real” food. she said (what Michael Pollan is frankly saying as well) that she ate things that looked as much like they did in nature as good cooking would permit. that her pastries and puddings and other ‘godis’ were homemade from farm fresh ingredients. she swore up and down that americans were fat because they bought things to eat and not real food, to cook at home. i think she was on to something and it seems that most health educators agree.

you know that i talk about reinvention and adaptation quite a bit…but when it comes to what we eat, keeping it in its original state seems to be the superior choice.

finish each day and be done with it. you have done what you could.

some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can.

tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.

ralph waldo emerson

we are not the same persons this year as last;

nor are those we love.

it is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person.

-William Somerset Maugham

thanks to IMDb for photos.

holiday

it's the unofficial start of summer. everyone is clearing out of town and heading for the hills or the sand. me? i am staying here in the city. i decided to be a tourist in my own town. trying to see it from a fresh perspective and maybe in a new light that will last through the season. re-envision the landscape and by extension revise my routine. everyone needs to hit re-fresh once in awhile.

take the time to look around you this weekend. see what new things you notice. or better yet, take note of those things you take for granted and give them your fullest attention.
you know the song...
brought to you by the goddess of reinvention herself, the mighty madge.
celebrated by me, the swede lowdown.