hemåt

“happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”

                                           -george burns



...and i am off to visit mine...

family of choice

to the outside world we all grow old.  but not to brothers and sisters.  we know each other as we always were.  we know each other's hearts.  we share private family jokes.  we remember family feuds and secrets, family griefs and joys. 

we live outside the touch of time. 

                                                                                                        -clara ortega 

this year my family is celebrating christmas in january. we are holding off the big family party until my sister arrives stateside with her children and we can all be together. this way, patient adults can wait and the kids, to whom christmas really matters, can get a double-dose of fun (read: presents!). while i am thrilled to see my sister again so soon, it is not without a little sadness that i will not be with my family-of-origin for the holiday. instead one of my oldest and closest friends is coming to stay with me and we will have a proper swedish julafton together. a family-of-choice holiday, if you will.

often our own families can pose challenges and ruffle feathers at this time of year. while it is true, no one knows you in quite the same way as your own flesh and blood, perhaps no one knows the best you better than your family of choice--your nearest and dearest friends. what could be better than spending the holidays with people that share that ease and comfort, that secret unspoken language you develop in your youth and are lucky enough to continue to share in the passing years. i am so looking forward to the comfort and warmth of living outside the touch of time in the coming week.

*photo courtesy of awesome people hanging out together

mixed bag

as i mentioned in my last post, i am one of those people that loves the holiday season. having said that, the holidays are not always the easiest time of year for everyone. for some, there is a special joy in the air and an eagerness to celebrate; still for others the decorations, songs and sounds and even the smells of christmas fill us with uneasy sense of dread, guilt and conflicted emotions. we were told we were supposed to enjoy and celebrate, yet our memories are void of that experience.

as much as i love the holidays, mine were not always filled with joy and good tidings. some years were sad and lonely, others made tense with family fights or missing members. sometimes while walking around my neighborhood enjoying the lights and bustle of activity, i am hit by a whiff of something that evokes a memory of someone or something i loved and lost. my lightness of heart suddenly crashed by grief, leaving me wounded and tender. these are strong feeling at this time of year.

it's not just about celebrating the holidays, it is also about the completion of a calendar year and reflecting back on this one and the others before this. maybe we worry about what we accomplished (or didn't), maybe we are missing a parent, family member or a friend we lost; maybe our own relationships or marriages are strained by the pressure of the holidays. it is a complicated time and often filled with intense memories and longings for what was or what we thought should be.

many of us are torn between what we want and what is expected. many of us are torn between families and their wants and demands. some of us have fantasies of our ideal holiday only to be let down by the reality of what they actually present.

remembering that these days are just a few in a many that make up our life allows some perspective. we can get through this. remembering what is worth cherishing and letting go of what hurts allows us to shape the holidays we want to have. allow yourself to feel, but not to dwell...take what you like and release what you don't. allow yourself to love...love yourself and others...that is really what this time of year is about. not creating perfection but celebrating what is good and what can be better.

a family affair

i grew up in a big, rambunctious, extended family. often fun, often crowded, mostly loud, it was always intense. for all the laughs shared there were twice as many tears shed. like many other therapists, i come from a family of dysfunction and emotional complexity. as a result, i developed an escapist fondness for films and tv shows about loud, close-knit and corny families. bring on the schmaltz, the sentimental mush, all the better for me. even later in life, when i was in my late twenties and my little sister just finished college, she and i were living in the same city and formed a ritual “sister night” orchestrated around one of these super-family melodrama shows, we watched and gorged on pizza together. the unspoken understanding, carefully left silent to avoid tears, was our shared yearning to have a family that looked like the one we watched on our little twelve-inch set. although we grew up not really knowing each other, this was one of many small things we did that re-set our relationship and helped to make us close; as close now actually as the sisters we admired in fictional worlds.

this past week my niece’s high school soccer team played in her state’s championship tournament. my phone was a flurry of calls, texts, voicemails, photo messages and twitter feeds all week. everyone came together to support her and cheer for her team. i spoke to my brothers every day hearing them recreate her performance, parsing their anxiety and excitement. her older sister came home from university to cheer for her and kept me posted with live sms match commentary. my mom went to watch and joined in the texting frenzy to keep me in the loop. in short, we were all united- aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews and cousins- all because of my amazing niece. for a few days i lived in a hazy glow of fantasy family life—but it was real! i actually felt like my family resembled the kind i always dreamt of and it felt fabulous. simply, it was great to love and be loved and to be a member of something important- family.

i realised a truth about having kids. we all hope and try to do a little better job than our parents; we all want something a little better for our own kids. a friend of mine once used that premise to illustrate an aversion she had to parenthood, but this week i realised it is one of the most important reasons we have kids at all. in doing so, we improve and progress. in fact, that wish alone is what has allowed us to evolve and advance civilization itself. wanting to improve is a big aspiration; every small victory is a step forward.

my niece’s team lost in a double-overtime-penalty-kick-shoot-out. it was a real nail biter. they may not have won the championship but i can’t help but see it as a championship victory for my family.