hey mr. dj...

we all have a life soundtrack. not just our Spotify account or our Pandora stream, but a real soundtrack. think about a time and place in your life and i am sure you know exactly what you were listening to at that moment.

in high school and college, each heartbreak i suffered was accompanied by weeks of the Supremes, then tossing in some Ronettes as the pain subsided and then getting back to whatever dance track (“Crucified”, anyone?) was hot hot hot then. the one exception being my very first heartache, when i spent a long weekend alternating between watching "A Room With a View” and blasting Puccini’s "La Bohème" on my vacationing parents' stereo. my poor little brother had a kegger in mind, but my despair destroyed any chance of that…he fled to a friend’s house to leave me wallow in my adolescent agony.

i have spent hours exhausting anguish to the thrash of Minneapolis’ holy trinity of Husker Dü, the Replacements and Soul Asylum. in college i would get dressed to go out jamming to the Clash’s “Train in Vain”; later replaced by Britney and other mindless pop that i came to love as i grew out of my indie obsessed youth and just wanted to feel good. Jay-Z’s “Give It To Me” will still get me moving no matter where i am…cleaning the house falls to Motown and vintage Little Stevie Wonder...and the time i fell in love the hardest my sister threatened to smash my cd single of Madonna’s “Don’t Tell Me” remixes…i had a song for every single moment and i played the hell out them.

this is the first time i am unsure what i want to hear. obviously, when i am walking the streets or getting ready to go out, Robyn and Rebecca Fiona are what i am rocking on my iPod…but i spend most of my time engaged in other things. my life is in an uncomfortable place, my emotions are strange and unfamiliar to me…i have never been here before and i don’t know what the defining song is.

as a therapist/trainer, i spend much of my time listening to others. when i am alone, i often crave silence most, but sometimes that is just creepy. classical music fills that void. it soothes me and often moves me. it encourages held back tears to fall and can make me skip with joy. this is a thorny time in my life and my moods are unsteady…some days i just cannot bear words but i need something in the air around me.  

mixed bag

as i mentioned in my last post, i am one of those people that loves the holiday season. having said that, the holidays are not always the easiest time of year for everyone. for some, there is a special joy in the air and an eagerness to celebrate; still for others the decorations, songs and sounds and even the smells of christmas fill us with uneasy sense of dread, guilt and conflicted emotions. we were told we were supposed to enjoy and celebrate, yet our memories are void of that experience.

as much as i love the holidays, mine were not always filled with joy and good tidings. some years were sad and lonely, others made tense with family fights or missing members. sometimes while walking around my neighborhood enjoying the lights and bustle of activity, i am hit by a whiff of something that evokes a memory of someone or something i loved and lost. my lightness of heart suddenly crashed by grief, leaving me wounded and tender. these are strong feeling at this time of year.

it's not just about celebrating the holidays, it is also about the completion of a calendar year and reflecting back on this one and the others before this. maybe we worry about what we accomplished (or didn't), maybe we are missing a parent, family member or a friend we lost; maybe our own relationships or marriages are strained by the pressure of the holidays. it is a complicated time and often filled with intense memories and longings for what was or what we thought should be.

many of us are torn between what we want and what is expected. many of us are torn between families and their wants and demands. some of us have fantasies of our ideal holiday only to be let down by the reality of what they actually present.

remembering that these days are just a few in a many that make up our life allows some perspective. we can get through this. remembering what is worth cherishing and letting go of what hurts allows us to shape the holidays we want to have. allow yourself to feel, but not to dwell...take what you like and release what you don't. allow yourself to love...love yourself and others...that is really what this time of year is about. not creating perfection but celebrating what is good and what can be better.