along the lines of courage

courage doesn't always roar.
 

sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying,  

"I will try again tomorrow."

                                             -mary anne radmacher

* painting more edvard munch

braving the blues

not every day is a good one. 

sometimes we just want to hide away, shirk responsibilities, stay in our pyjamas and lie around and wallow in our sorrows. sometimes as bad as this feels, it feels good to allow yourself to feel awful.

strength is not just about soldiering on in the face of adversity. there is courage in displaying your vulnerabilities. if you are feeling scared or blue or just floundering, it is okay to let people see that part of you. 

we are not judged by our loved ones in a single moment but rather in all our moments, good and bad, soft and hard, pretty and ugly. we are the sum of all these equal parts.

sometimes outside the sun is shining and the sky is clear blue, but inside us there is a tempest brewing…it may even feel like we are stuck under an umbrella of grey rain clouds that follows us around our day. courage is believing that even our storm will pass and we can and will get through this darkness and be all the happier for what lies ahead.

 

that is what I am telling myself today anyway...

*painting edvard munch girls on a bridge

social grace

 weirdos

sometimes we encounter awkward or gawky people. sometimes their manner makes us uncomfortable in return.

unless this person is some creepy guy relentlessly hitting on you in a bar, give them a break. 

instead of cutting them off and drifting away to other clusters in the party, why not introduce them into the fold?  problem solved. offer them entré into a group, make them feel at ease and fully a part of the action and relieve yourself of the burden of carrying the conversation.

people often treat others the way they have been treated themselves. set a good example. maybe if you treat an unusual person like a usual person they will react in kind.

maybe not, but at least you are not aping the weirdo…

xoxo

a kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous.

-ingrid bergman

never as good as the first time

who was your first love? do you remember the falling?

my very first love was john travolta.

oh how i loved him! in every incarnation. from the very beginning as vinny barbarino and danny zuko to what i consider his finest role as chili palmer in "get shorty"…i loved him so much I even went to the opening night of “twist of fate”. that is devotion i tell you. i have the soundtrack to prove the depths.

my adoration for travolta set a tone and a standard for the boys that followed. dark and swarthy won my heart every time. always beating out the surplus of scandinavian blondes that too closely resembled my brothers for comfort. and with the exception of just one, all my beaux were excellent dancers.

how did your first love impact the ones that followed?

glad alla hjärtans dag

i’ll chime in and add my two cents to the valentine’s day hype - after all it is not as if i ever shy from the saccharine on this blog. 

i am not a big observer of v-day but i do think it can serve as a reminder that we should celebrate love every day. and by love i mean love in all its variants…hetero, homo, platonic, romantic, filial, sibling… whatever…

Leo Buscaglia put it best when he said

“love is life. and if you miss love, you miss life.”

go forth and love. love freely and openly and without fear or hesitation. everyone deserves to love and be loved. no matter what form it may take.

xoxo

photo: paul newman and joanne woodward from LIFE magazine via old love

...get up and do your thing

it's the weekend...dance and sing

get up and do your thing

dance like no one is watching...smile because you know they will...

trippin'

some of my favorite friends are heading off on a road trip. after feeling a twinge of jealousy for the fun they are about to have, i got to thinking about road trips as a great allegory for life.

you may start with a map and a plan and all may go along accordingly…but we make choices when we make plans. when we chose one thing, we reject other things. we cannot experience every opportunity or know all possibilities. you never know where the other roads may have lead you…life is risky like that. you have to make choices and take what arrives.

sometimes there are surprises… unplanned incidents that delay our progress. and so we cope. we handle what comes our way with the best of our abilities in that moment. next time such an emergency arises, we are better prepared and less afraid. stronger and more assured.

sometimes the road is dark, rough and we feel lost. but still we go on…we use the tools we have to forge ahead, always trusting that we will find our way out or someone to help us get back on track.

when we are back in the sunshine and the sky is bright, remember to pay attention. feel the warmth of rays in our hair, smell the air and remember how colorful and exciting seeing new places and meeting new people can be.

too often we take the easy times for granted. the free-wheeling fun is the best part. we often work so hard at getting through hard times, we forget we can apply the same sort of industrious focus to enjoying the good. when we pay attention to those quiet moments, they speak volumes that we can carry with us forever.

***photo credit: wild strawberries, ingmar bergman

life lesson

life is unfair

some of us win in ways of luck and others in ways of strategy, but rare is the soul that wins at everything. life is unfair. sometimes that idea can be a comfort, more often an outrage.

on a personal level, being fair is often a challenging virtue. sometimes we want more than our fair share, sometimes we give more than we get...how we suffer in the name of equity!

when i was little, my mother, exhausted by sibling squabbles, made somethings fair with this simple rule: one cuts, the other chooses.

in other words, you have a piece of cake that you must share. one takes the knife to cut it in half, the other chooses from the halves. the idea is that the most fair cut comes when the other gets first dibs on your slicing skills.

i like to use this rule in many aspects of relationships. if there is a choice to be made, let one person come up with options and the other make the final decision. go with it. if there is work to share, divvy it up and let the other choose their lot. things tend to be more equally distributed when the chance to get stuck with the less desirable lot is real.

cutting and choosing...it's a fair as fair can be...

the one thing

as many of my friends know, i tend to obsess over one thing at a time. i am prone to cooking one day and eating it all week or getting on a kick and eating the same thing every day. i tend to have one favorite hang out and then move to the next place i repeat; i often wear the same outfit until a new one takes it place and then...repeat... i have also been known to love just one song at a time...in fact, back in the day i made a 90-minute cassette tape of the same song over and over so i wouldn't have to rewind my walkman and could listen to my latest favorite one song on repeat without complication or interruption. yeah, i am that old...waaay pre-ipod...

i realised when i was recently in my hometown with my family that some of those "one things" have been with me for more years than i care to admit. this is one of those "one things":

from their last album, warehouse: songs and stories and, if memory serves, their last song at their last live performance (that i, so very fortunately attended)... hüsker dü "you can live at home now". i have been listening to this song since high school. when i am frustrated, angry or upset, it calms me and smooths my ruffled feathers.

sometimes one thing is all you need.

hemåt

“happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”

                                           -george burns



...and i am off to visit mine...

the importance of being...

to love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

                                                  -oscar wilde, an ideal husband



speaking of love this week…

finding love is another common theme in my line of work. is there a definitive answer to how one goes about finding and attracting love? i believe there is. when my clients are distressed about the state of their love life i try to remind them that loving yourself is the beginning of attracting the kind of love you truly desire. sometimes this whizzes right past them. often we are so consumed with the desire to be with someone we forget what qualities we want in that someone. not just any love will do…

you can find love anywhere, at any time. really. being open and receptive to love is a state of mind, not a state of place.

many times my clients are frustrated and angry that they have not found “the one”. having witnessed many of my friends at that panicky moment that often occurs in our thirties, i gently introduce a few reminders about love.

is there really just ONE, singular love of our lives? for some of us, maybe…for most of us, that one person is many. different times of our life have different needs and desires. is there really just one person to fulfill those changing demands?

and more importantly, i suggest to my clients and friends, is marriage the penultimate expression of love? for me, i know that the people that have touched me most deeply were not meant to be life partners. rather, they were people that meant a great deal at a pivotal time in my life, then…well, things changed. but does that dilute their love?

we attract people that reflect where we are in our own lives. if we are not meeting THE ONE, maybe we are not ready for that kind of relationship. and that is okay. it is just where we are now. take a break from the hunt and learn to be happy with what we have within ourselves. if that is not enough, searching for what makes us happy will attract the kinds of relationships that support that dream. another person cannot deliver your happiness; they cannot complete your life. they can help to augment it, detract from it, even derail it but happiness is internal. it is ours to discover and to own.

i know it sounds trite and cliché, but if we don’t truly love ourselves, how can we expect someone else to do the same?

*photo credit: atame, pedro almodovar

piano concerto no. 21

there are women who inspire you with the desire to conquer

them and to take your pleasure of them;

but this one fills you only with the desire to die slowly

beneath her gaze

-charles beaudelaire

it seems everyone i know is suddenly in love. so for my weekend thought i am sharing one of my all-time favorite movies: elvira madigan. it is a beautiful, although tragic, love story. if you haven't already seen it, put it on your list...puss och kram!

*photos courtesy of bo widerberg, elvira madigan, 1967

the year of the ant

i went to my final holiday party on monday. i never imagined i would be glad to see the bottom of a champagne bottle, but I was…

predictable new year’s conversation focused on resolutions. even more predictable were the reports of “lose weight”, “live healthier” and graciously “give more to others”. i did not offer up my resolutions because for once, i haven’t made any.

this year i spent some time on new year’s day (recovering, yes…) reflecting on the events of 2011 and trying to map out a game plan for 2012. 

i have never been goal oriented. always more the impulsive grasshopper than the industrious ant. never in my life did i have a long-term strategy.

sure, i have made some plans, completed rites of passage and i guess i had some sort of vision of what i wanted my life to look like. true, that vision mostly included Marni dresses and wandering through sunny flower and cheese markets in Provence, but still…i could close my eyes and see what i wanted things to look like; i just didn’t have a road map to that destination.

this year i want a path. goals are important. they give shape to our lives, meaning, direction and purpose. you can’t go backwards and rewrite the past but going forwards without direction is really just spinning your wheels. i have often joked that i am where i am because of inertia but it isn’t really much of a joke when it is true.

this year i am avoiding resolutions in favor of aspirations and plans. halting the momentum that has propelled me to where i am now and choosing where i am going is the framework for my 2012 plan. the swede lowdown version 2.0, if you will.

stay tuned…

*photo via this farming man

cheers, babe

happy new year!

i am going to celebrate tonight...this is one of my favorite nights of the year. it feeds my need for renewal and revision, and of course, reinvention.

 i am always a little superstitious on new year's eve; i can't help but feel how the year begins sets a tone or gives a glimpse into what the year will hold and so i aim for a night filled with laughter and love. fancy dress, decadent food and expensive champagne consumed while surrounded by gorgeous men...that's the plan for this year anyway.

 i will return with more substantial thoughts but right now i am thinking only of debauchery.

best wishes for 2012!

photo via BBC

clock of the heart

life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards

- søren kierkegaard

gifs from robyngifs.com

top ten

another christmas come and gone. this year i had such a lovely holiday.

sixteen empty wine bottles sit in my kitchen waiting for the recycling bin, serving as a reminder (and a caution) of our indulgence. so much good food, even better friends and cheeks sore from laughing.

my house guest has returned home and now there is just this ill-defined and slow moving time that hangs in the air before the new year begins…

one of my corny holiday pleasures is christmas music- back and forth between the classical music station’s organ heavy broadcast or the modern versions- i love it all and it is all i listen to in december. at some point during our late night dinner, one guest had his fill of "rockin' around the christmas tree" and snapped the station to a beatles a-to-z channel. this immediately prompted a discussion of beatles vs. stones, which quickly led to a would-you-rather and either-or game. you know… beatles or stones, would you rather: mick jagger or david bowie etc. i mean, we could play this all day…it is always a fun way to learn some surprising things about people you think you know. playing the game soon exposed my penchant for top ten lists. i have been making them since i was in middle school and even now i continue to update regularly. i love seeing what changes and how much remains the same

making lists of highlights, lowlights, movies, parties, fun, people, things to do- whatever. this is what everyone does to broadcast and summarize the closing of the year. normally my lists are “all-time” lists but i think  i am going to make some top ten of 2011 lists this week; of things and events but also of feelings and experiences. i will spend my new years day reflecting but also selecting what i want to keep with me and what i will leave behind in order to make room for the new as we enter 2012.

as don draper said, “my life moves in one direction- forward”

i will be thinking this week about what to pack for the trip…

*photos from: kids these days, miss ginger and toni frisell

peace on earth

Ha en riktigt fin julhelg allesammans – det ska vi ha!

my christmas wish via john lennon

happy christmas, god jul and peace on earth

so this is christmas/and what have you done/another year over/and a new one just begun/and so this is christmas/i hope you have fun/the near and the dear ones/the old and the young

a very merry christmas/and a happy new year/let's hope it's a good one/without any fear

and so this is christmas/for weak and for strong/for rich and the poor ones/the world is so wrong/and so happy christmas/for black and for white/for yellow and red ones/let's stop all the fight

a very merry christmas/and a happy new year/let's hope it's a good one/without any fear

war is over over/if you want it/war is over/now...

family of choice

to the outside world we all grow old.  but not to brothers and sisters.  we know each other as we always were.  we know each other's hearts.  we share private family jokes.  we remember family feuds and secrets, family griefs and joys. 

we live outside the touch of time. 

                                                                                                        -clara ortega 

this year my family is celebrating christmas in january. we are holding off the big family party until my sister arrives stateside with her children and we can all be together. this way, patient adults can wait and the kids, to whom christmas really matters, can get a double-dose of fun (read: presents!). while i am thrilled to see my sister again so soon, it is not without a little sadness that i will not be with my family-of-origin for the holiday. instead one of my oldest and closest friends is coming to stay with me and we will have a proper swedish julafton together. a family-of-choice holiday, if you will.

often our own families can pose challenges and ruffle feathers at this time of year. while it is true, no one knows you in quite the same way as your own flesh and blood, perhaps no one knows the best you better than your family of choice--your nearest and dearest friends. what could be better than spending the holidays with people that share that ease and comfort, that secret unspoken language you develop in your youth and are lucky enough to continue to share in the passing years. i am so looking forward to the comfort and warmth of living outside the touch of time in the coming week.

*photo courtesy of awesome people hanging out together

social grace

taming the snark

let's be honest. many of the parties we attend this season are obligatory. so we employ the strategic strike and travel in pairs or packs; hitting several parties ensemble in one night. smart move for scheduling and sharing the small-talk, right?

well the thing is, parties are not bars. you weren't invited to huddle in the corner with your besties sneering at the whole food's cheese plate on the buffet, ripping the playlist and making snarky comments about the party or the one you hit before it. you are a guest and an integral part of the festivities.

give a little when you are invited to someone's home for a party. sure, we all know the basics of good etiquette- the rsvp's, the hostess gift, please and thank you...but having good manners also means working the room and engaging with other guests. look around...who is standing next to you? do you sleep with that person? did you borrow a dress from her last week? if so, you are not mingling. split it up! find someone that hasn't seen you with a toothbrush in your mouth and introduce yourself. ask questions, be curious. complement the tree, the cookies, someone's shoes or hairstyle. smile warmly and wink at your mate or pal from across the room. don't worry...you'll have brunch tomorrow for the full fashion slaughter.

chitchat

as the season rolls on, here is something profound to ponder as we head into our next round of holiday mingling and merry-making. beyond good tidings and cheer, we never know what good might come of the kindness we bring to those we love and those we may soon grow to love...

“the majority of us lead quiet, unheralded lives as we pass through this world. there will most likely be no ticker-tape parades for us, no monuments created in our honor. but that does not lessen our possible impact, for there are scores of people waiting for someone just like us to come along; people who will appreciate our compassion, our unique talents. someone who will live a happier life merely because we took the time to share what we had to give. too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have a potential to turn a life around. it’s overwhelming to consider the continuous opportunities there are to make our love felt.”

                                                                                       -leo buscaglia

mixed bag

as i mentioned in my last post, i am one of those people that loves the holiday season. having said that, the holidays are not always the easiest time of year for everyone. for some, there is a special joy in the air and an eagerness to celebrate; still for others the decorations, songs and sounds and even the smells of christmas fill us with uneasy sense of dread, guilt and conflicted emotions. we were told we were supposed to enjoy and celebrate, yet our memories are void of that experience.

as much as i love the holidays, mine were not always filled with joy and good tidings. some years were sad and lonely, others made tense with family fights or missing members. sometimes while walking around my neighborhood enjoying the lights and bustle of activity, i am hit by a whiff of something that evokes a memory of someone or something i loved and lost. my lightness of heart suddenly crashed by grief, leaving me wounded and tender. these are strong feeling at this time of year.

it's not just about celebrating the holidays, it is also about the completion of a calendar year and reflecting back on this one and the others before this. maybe we worry about what we accomplished (or didn't), maybe we are missing a parent, family member or a friend we lost; maybe our own relationships or marriages are strained by the pressure of the holidays. it is a complicated time and often filled with intense memories and longings for what was or what we thought should be.

many of us are torn between what we want and what is expected. many of us are torn between families and their wants and demands. some of us have fantasies of our ideal holiday only to be let down by the reality of what they actually present.

remembering that these days are just a few in a many that make up our life allows some perspective. we can get through this. remembering what is worth cherishing and letting go of what hurts allows us to shape the holidays we want to have. allow yourself to feel, but not to dwell...take what you like and release what you don't. allow yourself to love...love yourself and others...that is really what this time of year is about. not creating perfection but celebrating what is good and what can be better.

nu är det jul igen

i love this time of year! i've just returned from gathering up all the stuff i need to host my cookie-baking party on saturday. i love mixing old family swedish traditions with my own new ones. that's my favorite part of the holidays - discovering different ways to celebrate the season while maintaining ties to my family and my past. i am so looking forward to being with friends and making a mess and enjoying some good stong glögg!

free to be you and me...

so i have just returned from two weeks in germany visiting my baby sister and her two very own babies - my four year old niece and ten month old nephew.

in full keeping in my role as indulgent auntie, i put my niece to bed every night with at least four stories and laid with her in her small wooden bed until her breathing was deep and slowed by sleep. most nights we closed our eyes in the dark and listened to quiet music after story time was over. one of her current favorites was also one of my own at her age, “free to be you and me”. i know, i know,  it is the seminal anthem of all gen x-ers; i didn’t say this wasn’t cliché…

but the first night i was resting with her and i heard those familiar first chords of the banjo strike, i was jolted by a powerful nostalgia. my eyes filled with tears and i worried i would cry and disturb her entrance into sleep. my own hopes and dreams inspired by that album as a child paled by the welling in my heart for my hopes and dreams for her. as she curled next to me, her small, thin four year old arms wrapped around my neck i said a silent prayer that she would always be so happy and confident in her own voice and choices, that she would always feel strong enough that when faced with wearing competing sparkly shoes, she would wear one of each and think it looks great. i hope she always has the confidence to make her own decisions, voice her own opinion and that she grows to be the kind of woman she wants to be.

i made the choice long ago not to be a parent and i am grateful for the role models i had that seemed content with their decision to be childless. it wasn’t always easy to find them. because i am quite obsessed with my nieces and now my nephew, i am sure many people thought (or do think) that i just missed the boat and maybe regret my choice. i don’t.

it was a different time, my childhood in the seventies, and i think maybe in terms of non-conformity and acceptance, a better time, but maybe i am just jaded in my old age. i remember primary-colored big wheels, working class families on tv, enjoli perfume adds (i can bring home the bacon dum dum dee dum and fry it up in a pan…) and pumpkin colored turtlenecks for me and my brother...i don’t remember feeling so aware of gender or race like today. maybe i owe some of my own ideas of equality and strength of character to the spirit of “free to be…”