dog days

it has been insanely hot here in the 202. i mean, crazy sauna hot. it is not only making me cranky and snappish, it is holding me hostage in my house. too hot for the pool, too hot for wandering, i am holed up at home like a prisoner of global warming.

when we here in DC get massive snow fall, the city shuts down. a strange quiet settles in and everything feels cozy and calm. i love looking out my seventh story windows, seeing the glow of tv sets and lights from other apartments as people nest indoors to avoid the mess of the plows and slush below us.

but when the sun blazes and i retreat to avoid summer elements, i feel guilty. shame on me for not relishing the outdoors! what is the difference, i don’t know … when i stow away from the stifling, infrastructure bending heat, i feel like a seasonal traitor. and it is so dull to be stuck at home in the summer!

in winter i wake to snowfall with the same childish glee we met school snow days. i pull out a book, pull on my sweats and lounge on the couch, channel surf, catch up on old new yorkers, sip hot tea and luxuriate in found time.

now i find myself pacing frantically, anxious and pent up… irritable and caged…i want OUT! my mind feels as trapped as my body…longing for relief and release…moving from one temperature controlled indoor environment to another, melting in transport…i feel like i am wilting inside and out…stuck in the stagnant air of this season waiting to be revived in the next…

melting ice

recently a friend and i were having a heated dispute and in the middle of it he hurled an accusation at me:

 “well, sometimes you can be C*NTY!”

i didn’t deny it. 

while most of the time i am as kind, compassionate and forgiving as i appear on these pages, i definitely  know how to unleash my inner ice queen and i am not afraid to throw down some serious frost when appropriate.

because that is life.

sometimes we do things that are unkind or thoughtless. sometimes we hurt people that we love. intentionally or unintentionally, sometimes our words or actions wound. 

and so we must apologize. genuinely. in an honest and heartfelt way.

we hope that the ones we have offended forgive us but that is out of our control. all we can do is say we are sorry and act in contrition. but we cannot control the reactions of those whose feelings we have trampled.

once forgiven, it is over. both parties must let go and continue on. holding a grudge, resenting a friend or expecting ongoing genuflecting is not part of forgiveness. it renders the apology false and negates the acceptance.

it isn’t always easy to forgive and sometimes it is impossible to forget. “sorry” is not an eraser.

when we misbehave and offend or hurt someone, all we can do is apologize. the rest is up to them…and we live with the consequences… whatever they may be…