a family affair

i grew up in a big, rambunctious, extended family. often fun, often crowded, mostly loud, it was always intense. for all the laughs shared there were twice as many tears shed. like many other therapists, i come from a family of dysfunction and emotional complexity. as a result, i developed an escapist fondness for films and tv shows about loud, close-knit and corny families. bring on the schmaltz, the sentimental mush, all the better for me. even later in life, when i was in my late twenties and my little sister just finished college, she and i were living in the same city and formed a ritual “sister night” orchestrated around one of these super-family melodrama shows, we watched and gorged on pizza together. the unspoken understanding, carefully left silent to avoid tears, was our shared yearning to have a family that looked like the one we watched on our little twelve-inch set. although we grew up not really knowing each other, this was one of many small things we did that re-set our relationship and helped to make us close; as close now actually as the sisters we admired in fictional worlds.

this past week my niece’s high school soccer team played in her state’s championship tournament. my phone was a flurry of calls, texts, voicemails, photo messages and twitter feeds all week. everyone came together to support her and cheer for her team. i spoke to my brothers every day hearing them recreate her performance, parsing their anxiety and excitement. her older sister came home from university to cheer for her and kept me posted with live sms match commentary. my mom went to watch and joined in the texting frenzy to keep me in the loop. in short, we were all united- aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews and cousins- all because of my amazing niece. for a few days i lived in a hazy glow of fantasy family life—but it was real! i actually felt like my family resembled the kind i always dreamt of and it felt fabulous. simply, it was great to love and be loved and to be a member of something important- family.

i realised a truth about having kids. we all hope and try to do a little better job than our parents; we all want something a little better for our own kids. a friend of mine once used that premise to illustrate an aversion she had to parenthood, but this week i realised it is one of the most important reasons we have kids at all. in doing so, we improve and progress. in fact, that wish alone is what has allowed us to evolve and advance civilization itself. wanting to improve is a big aspiration; every small victory is a step forward.

my niece’s team lost in a double-overtime-penalty-kick-shoot-out. it was a real nail biter. they may not have won the championship but i can’t help but see it as a championship victory for my family.