social grace

so about that polite refusal to your invitation...just take "no" for an answer!

this invitation/rsvp thing is a two way street. if i decline your thoughtful and generous invite, please just accept my refusal. no more of this "beg and plead" that happens so often. it doesn't make the offer more appealing, but it does annoy me in the present and decrease the likelihood that i will accept in the future.

when i was living abroad, one aspect of my job was to give little workshop-seminars on cultural nuance. this invite/refusal was a topic we revisited on many occasions. i am afraid this is one of those annoying cultural nuances particular to some. if a french person asks you to dinner and you reply by saying: sorry, non, i can't tonight, the issue is halted. no hurt feelings; just moving on... if we had that same conversation here in the states my sorry, no, is more often than not met with: "really? why? do you have other plans? what are they?"...or even worse..."awww c'mon...just one drink... are you suuuuure?"

the beg and plead. please do not press me about my refusal, but graciously consent in the same stride you would approve my acceptance. then you will have a chance at a next time...

social grace

it's an invitation...not a summons darling...

an invitation is just that: a request, a suggestion, an option. it is not a requirement (except in the case of most funerals, family weddings i mean, obviously, you should know the difference).

this is a murky area for me historically. i have never treated invitations as an automatic confirmation of my attendance. nor do i feel my rsvp's require anything further than a simple acceptance or refusal.

no wild tales of other obligations, just a simple-  sorry i can't make it, hope your (blank) is a wild success, total blast, etc. etc.

i feel it is just more polite to be clear, direct, firm and prompt in my replies. why get lost in subterfuge when simplicity serves the purpose? the same is true for an acceptance. it is polite and thoughtful to let the host/hostess/organizer get an accurate idea of who is coming and who is not.

i had an old boyfriend who marveled at my speed and willingness to refuse invitations. he cautioned that they would "dry up"...not hardly! no one wants a recalcitrant-rebecca at their gathering; don't attend unless it is willingly and with good cheer. and if you can't be in the appropriate spirit, the only polite thing to do is to graciously decline.

life is so much less complicated this way. do what you want and be a good guest-- you will always be back in demand!